Blimey. Right, well, I don’t think any of us expected to hear that today. I’ve just, rather excitingly, got on board my first ever cruise ship. We’re heading off to the Canary Islands from Liverpool and for the next month, this is going to be my home. I’m doing two shows a night, once a week and the rest of the time is my own – amazing, I think.
Being a magician in the North West, the fact that this cruise was sailing from a port on Liverpool’s dock couldn’t have been more ideal. So, I jumped on board and started to settle in.
A few hours passed and I was unpacked. I was excited. I was incredibly sea-sick. I won’t get into specifics, but it wasn’t my most flattering of moments. I performed at a wedding on a boat once but other than that I’d never spent any time on water, so I really hadn’t considered this.
I picked up the cabin phone and dialled reception.
‘Hello,’ I said tentatively. ‘This is probably nothing, but I’ve got a bit of sea-sickness and…’
‘Do not leave your cabin, sir. A nurse will be with you shortly,’ the suddenly very stern voice commanded from the other side.
So, I waited, anxiously. I considered putting the kettle on, to try and act nonchalant about the whole thing and give the impression that it was nothing. I didn’t.
I heard a knock at the door and welcomed the nurse in. She didn’t seem one for chit chat and almost certainly would have refused a cup of tea, so I was proud of my earlier decision about the kettle.
She looked at me seriously and said, “Lay down on the bed and lower your trousers please, Mr. Williams.
I’m going to inject you with something to stop the motion sickness, but you’re going to be placed into quarantine – so please don’t leave the cabin for the next 2 days.”
I was taken aback. 2 days! 2 entire days stuck alone in the cabin. Having sailed away from the coast, I had no internet, no phone connection and I’d completely forgotten to bring any books! All I had was one film on my computer. The countdown to freedom began…
What was supposed to be the start of an exciting new escapade, an exciting new adventure, actually began with me locked in a cabin and watching Mrs. Doubtfire for the third time, in my pants. Being in my pants definitely wasn’t related to the fact that I was also watching Robin Williams dressed as a comical fat lady, of course.
It was mid-afternoon on day 2 when suddenly, the phone rang.
‘Mr Williams,’ said a low voice on other other end. ‘Since you’re showing no further symptoms, you can leave your cabin at 8am tomorrow morning.’
‘8am?!’ I questioned whilst raising my eyebrows – which was an unusual thing to do considering I was on the phone.
It appears they allow a little extra time to ensure everything is fine.
Early the following morning, my alarm sounded and I jumped out of bed. After what felt like a lifetime, I was a free man; free! I looked out my cabin window at the gentle waves and glorious sunshine. Brilliant! I’m a free man (I haven’t mentioned that yet, have I?) and the sun is shining! I’m going to spend today by the pool, I think.
Revelling in my new found freedom, I fled out of my cabin, making my way towards the not-at-all-Roman piscina.
Wanting to make up for the lost time, I swam a few lengths, drank a Margarita (well, a Diet Coke with no ice, but that doesn’t sound quite as good), grabbed a sun-lounger and closed my eyes to catch a few rays…
“You’ve cracked it, Williams!” I thought to myself.
I woke up a couple of hours later and decided to jump in the shower and get dressed for the evening’s meal. It was then that I realised what had happened.
Finding myself back in the cabin, I looked in the mirror, aghast: I was glowing with sunburn. I had a face like a giant tomato with a quiff. What am I going to do, I thought!
I was so embarrassed that you could say I was red in the face.
I couldn’t let anyone see me like this – I looked ridiculous! In my mind, there was really only one answer; I had to let this settle!
Right, I’m not leaving this cabin for the next 48 hours, I think.